Qiuxiaori

What I've Watched#

• "Kong Yiji" "Blessing"

  I really like Lu Xun, but I haven't systematically read many of his works. I took some time to read his essays; the language is concise, and the pieces are short, perfect for reading in fragmented time. When reading "A Madman's Diary," I felt a sense of chaos, but when I read these classic pieces, I was still shocked by the precision and conciseness of the language and the control of the article's structure. Some paragraphs I couldn't help but savor several times, both beautiful and a bit painful, which I really like.

  • "The Time Traveler's Hourglass" "The Falling of the Dongdong Suspension Bridge"
    Interesting detective novels.

  • "Ashes of Time"
    I quite like Jia Zhangke's works, but like Kusturica, there’s always a sense of repetitive elements piling up; Kusturica is still impressive.

Articles#

• The Chinese Animators Behind "Black Myth: Wukong" | GCORES
• Translation | First Interview with "Hollow Knight" | Team Cherry Interview Record December 1, 2014
• Tifa Fails, Enchanting Mushroom Loses, How Did "Dragon Tribe" Fans Become the Biggest Winners of This Year's Hupu Goddess Competition
• The World's Number One AI Anchor, Settles in Bilibili but Struggles to Adapt
• ChatGPT is the Blurry JPEG of the Internet | Commented by Eric
• Detailed Explanation of v2rayN Tun Mode

Random Thoughts#

System#

Recently, I've met many people in the system while playing games, and they all seem very happy. It seems like I'm the only one living in such pain. They often sigh when they see me playing games and ask why I always sigh. I don't know how to answer; should I say that living is too exhausting?

They indeed seem to worry very little; they start work around ten and finish around five, occasionally working on weekends. It seems they have a two-hour lunch break, and the unit also has dormitories and canteens. Aside from the salary seeming a bit low, life back home is quite comfortable and decent.

I just don't like this kind of life. As a programmer, I prefer work that is challenging and creative. Many programmers even have a bit of a "rebel" attribute, so naturally, they are less willing to enter the system.

Perhaps since ancient times, officials and ordinary people have lived in two different worlds. The slogan "The people are the masters of the country" makes me forget my identity, while the people below are already exhausted from the competition, and those above still feel there aren't enough laborers; they are just resources.

A few who take the teacher qualification exam genuinely love education, and a few who take the civil service exam are wholeheartedly for the people. Seeking stability isn't a bad thing, but some people, once they get in, start enjoying life, and soon they no longer care about the people's affairs.

You might say that if you're not in that position, you shouldn't meddle in that job; civil servants should just do their own work. However, there are quite a few who should be serving the people but act arrogantly, and someone like Hua Chunying, who comes from a bureaucratic family, can naturally say, "I am also one in 1.4 billion; how can I not feel happy?"

From speed limits on electric bikes to mandatory helmets to batteries not being allowed in homes, riding a small electric bike at a speed of 25 km/h is so troublesome. I clearly bought a big brand with 3C certification as required, yet they still shout about battery dangers. Let it be dangerous; if I die, my family can still get compensation of several hundred thousand.

While cursing the evils of capitalism, the labor laws of socialism can be easily trampled upon. Mixing oil tanks and reselling corpses, I feel my imagination is a bit lacking. Communism seems like a kind of faith; when oppressed, you give yourself a shot of adrenaline, "We are working for the happiness of future generations," even though this shot is becoming less effective. Focusing solely on development while ignoring the happiness of contemporary people, a country that is not people-oriented is just a ruthless operating machine. After all, what relationship can a machine engraved with socialism have with communism? After all, communism doesn't even have the concept of a state machine.

Work#

• A million unwillingnesses, but the project still uses Rust. Writing Rust feels like SM; it's both painful and pleasurable. The pain is real, and the pleasure is also real.
• Before I start writing Rust every day, I have to find a bunch of other things to do for psychological preparation, and then I start coding. Writing it is quite elegant, but it would be better if I didn't have to write it.
• Writing Rust is one thing, but I've also got an ECS architecture I've never used before; the two things fit quite well, like building Lego, and it just clicks. The process of discussing the design of this architecture is quite interesting; I'll organize it when I have time.

Games#

• I wanted to play "Black Myth: Wukong," but after downloading it, I just couldn't muster the interest. There are too many invisible walls, and there are some frame drops. After playing for a while, I closed it, mainly because I didn't find it fun enough.
• Actually, I don't love playing AAA games. I was previously mocked by Lao Wen for not really loving games. Is it only single-player gamers who love games? Are we online gamers not human? Anyway, I love playing PUBG, LOL, and Tavern Brawl; what does it matter what I play?
• Speaking of Tavern Brawl, although Blizzard's betrayal is disgusting, I still want to play. I always thought of myself as someone who practices what they preach, but since NetEase and Blizzard have reconciled, as a player, holding onto grievances only tortures myself. If I want to play, then I'll play; even Lao Huang can be a traitor.

Life#

Clearly, in April, I was excitedly making detailed plans for my trip to Japan in May, and I had a great time. However, once I returned home, it felt like I lost all my energy. My original rhythm of life was completely disrupted; I was too lazy to make videos, too lazy to write my monthly report, and even lost interest in solo Citywalks. Plus, with my sister coming home for the summer vacation, I completely fell into a slump in Shanghai.

Maybe I just don't want to pretend to live hard anymore.

Last August, Lao Wen left Shanghai, and it's been exactly a year since then. The days we lived together for more than three years, whether beautiful or filled with arguments, were forcibly halted. I started to force myself to go out more. First, I scheduled a small surgery I had always wanted to do. When I went to the hospital for the second time, the nurse said I looked more confident than when I first came in. Shocked by the nurse's frankness, I had to admit that I was indeed quite socially anxious the first time I went. Later, I overcame my laziness and annoyingly consulted a dozen doctors. Now it seems I successfully scheduled the surgery I wanted, and after waiting a year, I completed it smoothly a month ago and have recovered quite well. During this time, I also fell in love with video editing, tried to keep writing my blog, and met various people, and so on.

Doing these things made me look like I could live independently even alone, and I even started to believe it myself.

Until I completely adapted to living alone, I completely lost my motivation and no longer wanted to do anything to prove I could. What kind of life have I lived in the past few months? A package arrived over a month ago, and I didn't have the energy to pick it up. The sheets hadn't been changed for several days, and the clean clothes were just thrown on the drying rack. Once dried, I wouldn't take them unless absolutely necessary. The clothes I collected were all thrown into the wardrobe, and I only remembered to refill the cat food when the kitten cried, and I only remembered to scoop the cat litter when the kitten struggled to dig. I couldn't sleep all night, didn't like garbage sorting, and always secretly took out the trash at midnight. Thank goodness I still know to take out the trash.

I feel like a rat in a sewer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I tried to recall what exactly happened. It seems like a month ago, I still had some happy feelings. I looked forward to playing PUBG with friends every day and secretly worked hard to become better. My sister would call me every day, and I had plenty to talk about with Lao Wen. Until my sister said she called me to use my phone to play, my heart sank a little; I also had disputes with friends while gaming, and the simple joy was gone. Although it's said not to mix politics with life, my views with Lao Wen have increasingly clashed, and we both feel the other is a bit unreasonable.

I just went crazy; I stopped trying. What does it matter if I just become a waste?

In fact, since the lockdown in Shanghai and Lao Wen's unemployment for more than half a year, a sense of despair has surrounded my life. You can't see it, but it truly exists—distrust in the government, worries about the economic downturn, and the fear of losing my job are constantly lingering in my mind. The longing for the future I had when I just graduated is nowhere to be seen. Back then, I would naively plan how much I needed to save after working for several years, and Lao Wen would laugh at me for thinking too much. Nowadays, having a job seems to defeat 95% of the population; should I feel happy about that? But I can't go back to those carefree days.

Not long ago, Lao Wen suddenly fell into a fear of death. I told him that he was afraid of death because he was attached to living. This kind of fear seems a bit luxurious to me because I don't have much attachment or motivation to live. I see others living, so I live too, but I still find living very difficult. Perhaps all suffering comes from human helplessness.